You’re here with Craven Looney and Seamus MacBeth and it’s the day before the polls open. There’s already been a huge spike in community interest for a non-compulsive election, and so far it’s been a short but dirty race for the Mayoral and police chief positions, with sergeant Groves alleging Mayoral hopeful, Regnif Tip as a compulsive coal beater and oil fiddler with an almost secret bank account stashed away in one of the many tax havens located in the Cayman Islands.
Regnif denied these heinous allegations and instead of Grove’s shining a not so endorsing spotlight on the embattled Regnif, Regnif made an accusation about the police chief hopeful, sergeant Groves, in a doorstop interview this morning.
‘It has come to my attention that the candidate running for the position of Police chief has in his possession a collection of little fingers, that’s right, you heard me, little fingers. He has a small collection of little fingers bound and twisted into a grotesque art décor sculpture’.
Regnif went on to say;
‘Now, I’m not saying he is the notorious Little Finger, snatching and murdering our girls, but to have set pride of place, on his official police desk, such a mangled expression of what he intends to bring to the office of police chief, well it’s a mutilated symbol of what is wrong with the hard right today’.
When asked if the Mayoral hopeful could prove his allegation, Regnif changed his description to a sculpture lamp made of cut off fingers saying, ‘It’s just as bad!’.
When asked about sergeant Groves accusation about the Cayman Island’s account, Regnif became silent and began to rock, or shake. It felt like a similar incident several years ago, with the member for Mallow Groves in Salsberry. After several minutes of silence, I had to inform Regnif that he was not actually speaking.
After several more minutes we’d begun to feel a slight panic, so Seamus MacBeth a I had to ask if Regnif was having a stroke, but still received no response. With one hand on the key pad ready to dial 000, Regnif turned like past due yoghurt and walked away.
Got sore feet and a case of Borderline Personality Disorder? Go no further than 3 Leaf street Reachville to Mr Durango’s delicatessen and say my name, Craven Looney, to get BDP Cool Feet cream for 50% off today only.
What a way to start an almost democratic race in our small city town of Reachville, where Seamus and I will bring you the numbers as they arrive.
One more exciting thing, don’t worry if you miss the, compensating democratic sausage, Grapple Effects have said they’ll try to make it to Reachville for the election day drama and entertainment.
This is Craven Looney and Seamus MacBeth bringing you the news as it happens almost on time, every time. Have a good one and don’t forget to vote!